Shalom everyone,
First of all, my apologies that I haven’t written anything in a while. This article is going to be a little different. I normally don’t focus on myself, because my job is to direct you all towards Yahveh, and Yahveh’s values. However, there have been some events recently in my own personal life, that have caused me to ponder over how some people might get the mistaken impression that my personality is somehow a reflection of what Talmidaism is – that the way I project myself, is a reflection of what other Talmidis are like. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Talmidaism is a vision of God, religion and spirituality, as seen through the life and teachings of a particular Jewish prophet – Yeshua, the prophet of Nazareth.
Why I felt it necessary to write this article
I felt it necessary to write this article, because I don’t want my own failings or disabilities to colour or taint Talmidaism. Talmidaism is about the principles and wonders of Yahveh, along with the spiritual emphases of Yeshua and James; it should not be focussed on the personalities of its ministers.
The ideal of a popular religious teacher is someone who is a charismatic people-person. That person is gregarious, someone who moves amongst a crowd of people easily, can put people at ease quickly, make them feel at home, and ‘connect’ with them. The ideal religious teacher is someone who is able to say all the right things to show that they are deeply interested in your life; they know when to ask more questions, and when to hold back. They know precisely how to project warmth and friendliness; they know exactly what to say to reassure you, and how to engage with you to make you feel an inclusive part of a group.
I wish so, so much that that was me, but unfortunately, it’s not. I’m autistic. I have Asperger’s Syndrome.
There are some really good religious writers and speakers who can tell heart-warming anecdotes about their life experiences, things they have been through, things they have seen, in order to evoke emotion and ‘connect’ with others. I’m sorry to say that, being autistic, I haven’t really experienced life, I haven’t gone through all the life-stages that most humans take as a given – I just don’t have any heart-warming life-anecdotes to tell. Writer’s workshops tell you to ‘write what you know’; unfortunately, when it comes to the human animal, I really don’t know that much at all. I haven’t experienced the fullness of life as most humans have, because I’m autistic. If you can list off all the ‘normal’ things that a human being should go through growing up – everything you would expect a regular human being to have done in the course of a normal life – I can guarantee that I have not experienced or been through most of them.
What having Asperger’s Syndrome means, is that the part of the human brain that allows regular folks to socialise in other people’s company with absolute ease, without even thinking about it, is physically absent in my brain. Just think, Commander Data from Star Trek – or even Mr Spock.
What most human beings do and why they do it, remains a mystery to me. To me, every human being is like an alien from another planet. I feel like an alien living among aliens. Trying to reassure me that I’m not an alien, doesn’t really do anything to help dissipate the feeling – it’s always there.
I must stress here though, that I’m not shy. I’ve never been shy. Autism has nothing to do with shyness. Constantly labouring the point that I need to ‘connect’ more with people because then, everything will come right – or that I need to learn more social skills, is about as helpful as telling a dolphin that it needs to get out on land more, to connect more with creatures with legs, in order to better connect with elephants on land.
In a sense, I don’t have the computer hardware to enable me to do what is necessary to be a successful, go-getting and outreaching religious teacher. People often judge a religion by the character and nature of their most prominent religious teachers. I need to ask you please, please, don’t do that in my case. I’m not a good paradigm for the sociable side of Talmidaism.
I know a young lady who is so good at socialising, and so good at reading people, she is able to just look at someone and tell you not only their emotional state, but also what they might be thinking. Her husband on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He admits that he is on the autistic spectrum, and is very clumsy when it comes to knowing the right thing to say around people. His wife, being ‘normal’, is unable to comprehend his difficulties, and gets angry at his social clumsiness – especially when he unwittingly says the wrong thing. Because I am in the same boat, I can see how, from his silence in the face of her anger, his wife’s words really hurt him.
I am painfully aware of the things I can’t do. I cannot socialise and mix with people – trying to do so is completely draining on me emotionally. What makes that even more painful, is when people fail to understand how difficult it is – because they just cannot imagine a human being who doesn’t know how to be with other human beings – they then push and force you to ‘connect’ with others, and that is just the worst thing you can do to an autistic person.
I am always worried how my Autism will affect the perception of Talmidaism
It genuinely pains me that my autistic problems might reflect badly on the overall ethos and perceived nature of Talmidaism. People of other religions might look at my failings as an autistic person, and think that all Talmidis are like that – worse still, that that is what Talmidaism itself is like. Other people might think that I am distant, or not interested in them, or stand-offish. I can assure you I’m not. It’s just that the hardware in a person’s brain that would enable a human being to be socially engaging, is absent in my brain.
I have often asked God, ‘Why did You choose me to deliver Your spiritual message? Why didn’t You choose someone who was not mentally disabled?’
The absolute worst example of a religious teacher, is someone who makes the message all about them. They are the centre of the message; they try to direct all the focus on themselves – so much so, that they become adored, idolised and worshipped.
In the Israelite religion, no prophet or teacher can ever be the centre of attention. No teacher or prophet is perfect, because they are all human beings. In the Israelite religion, if a prophet becomes so central to faith, that to even criticise that prophet means instant rebuke or worse, then you seriously need to question if that person is actually a prophet or a charlatan.
Well, that’s not me either. I hate being the centre of attention; and I am always aware that the focus of my ministry is to turn people’s attention to God – onto God’s personality, God’s qualities, God’s promises, God’s love and God’s compassion.
My positive autistic abilities
I’m not a complete failure as a religious teacher. As someone with Asperger’s, I can absorb an enormous amount of information, analyse it, and see patterns and meanings that other, ‘regular’ people might not be able to see, and arrive at a logical, rational conclusion. I can stick doggedly to a long-term project until I reach the end – like my compilation of The Exhortations (which took 30 years to put together), or my harmonised translation of Torah (which has taken 20 years to do).
I’m a good listener; and I don’t judge people (except if people start trying to manipulate or push me). Most human beings just look for the quickest and easiest answer; on the other hand, someone with Asperger’s will toil and labour in their search for the right answer, even if it takes a little bit longer to arrive at. Unlike most human beings, I do not stick bone-headedly to a point of view in the face of all evidence that I am wrong; if I come across a new piece of evidence, and it pans out, then I am willing to modify my views. If I take on board something, I need to know why I’m doing it – I don’t just do it because everybody else is doing it.
I have found that most humans allow their prejudices and political beliefs to warp how they examine and process new information, and new data. I am unable to do that. I can only view new information raw, as it is. I must examine new information for what it is – when there are details that most humans cast aside because of their pre-existing biases, I merely put aside for later consideration or re-examination. I do not cast aside a piece of the jigsaw puzzle, merely because it doesn’t fit the pieces I have already put together. I need to have full confidence in the eventual conclusion I reach; and if I am wrong, then I am not afraid or too proud to admit that I’m wrong; I don’t want to look like an idiot (the biblical ‘foolish person’), who maintains their belief that they are right, when everything in front of them proves they are wrong.
I hope you can do what I can’t
When you are with other people, I need you to be what I can’t be. My job is to point you towards the qualities of Yahveh, because it is Yahveh who is your leader, not me, or any other Talmidi minister. My job is to give you the information and tools to enable you to make informed decisions for yourself, and thereby become a good Talmidi.
The worst quality of religious people, is that they make people who are not part of their religious group feel unwelcome. When non-Talmidis are among you, make them feel welcome, instead of making them feel like an outsider. Treat them as if they were your brother or sister, because all human beings are sons and daughters of God, and therefore we are all brothers and sisters.
Yahveh is compassionate; therefore I entreat you, be compassionate towards those who are different. One of the failings of human beings that I notice most often, is that the default setting of humans is that they react negatively to someone who is different to them; they want everyone to be the same, and hold the same opinions. I know exactly what it is to be made to feel different, because I have spent a lifetime being ill-treated, and verbally and physically abused, simply for being autistic.
Someone who is on the outside of life will really appreciate your kindness and acceptance, because then you will be reflecting the unconditional lovingkindness of Yahveh. The Prophet Yeshua reached out to the outcast and the rejected, and showed God’s compassion to those whom society had rejected. Yeshua admitted to no social hierarchy, and did not believe that a leader should lord their authority over others – I urge you to be the same.
I urge you to think about the ideal religious personalities whom you admire – someone who epitomises the values that you cherish, and try to be like them. My autism does not make me a good role model – there are things about human life that my brain cannot even imagine. I focus on facts, information and details, because human beings are a mystery to me.
I strongly encourage you to regularly read the teachings of the Prophet Yeshua in The Exhortations – the re-Judaised teachings, without the interference of Paullist theology. You will get a better feel for what Yeshua was trying to achieve in his ministry, and you will then be able to apply his principles to your own lives.
I am limited in what I can write about, purely because of my autism. However, Yahveh our God is endless, infinite and boundless. I therefore urge you to focus on Yahveh’s compassion and kindness, Yahveh’s values of justice and mercy, and Yahveh’s values of goodness and decency. Because Yahveh will not fail you – Yahveh will guide you along the right path, and you will become the wonderful, rich soul that Yahveh intended you to be.
Peace and health, in Yahveh’s good Name
Shmuliq